We’ve surely heard a lot about how important it is to do what we say we’re going to do, but usually it’s in the context of our relationship with others. When we think of why it’s important to follow through with our commitments to others, we probably think of things like:
· People will think poorly of me and won't like me if I don't follow through
· People will think I’m unreliable if I don't do what I say
· People will think I’m disorganized if I let things go
· People will think I don’t have my priorities or life in order if I don't get things done
· People will think I don’t care about them if I fl
What if I told you that these things we’re afraid other people might think about us, are also things we might think about ourselves if we’re not following through with our internally-made commitments?
It may be easier to write-off what others may be thinking by convincing ourselves that they just don’t understand what other pressures we’re under; they aren’t giving us proper credit for what we did do; or that we simply don’t care what their opinion is of us, because if they’re not supporting us in who we are, there surely must be something wrong with them.
We may try to justify it in any number of ways, but when it comes to commitments we’ve made to ourselves and repeatedly broken, it’s not as easy to dismiss the feelings buried inside that:
· I’m unreliable
· I have no willpower
· I’m directionless
· I’m disorganized
· I can’t make it happen
· I’m not likable
The thing is, these feelings don’t often reveal themselves for what they truly are. Instead, they lurk beneath the surface, steadily gnawing away at our self-esteem (the extent to which we love ourselves), self-worth (sense of value in the world), and our sense of self-efficacy (ability to make things happen in the world). Each time we tell ourselves we’re going to do something and then don’t, that gremlin underneath racks up evidence that those negative beliefs about ourselves might be true after all, and undermines our relationship with ourselves a little bit at a time.
Now, I’m not talking about those instances where we’ve told ourselves we’re going to run a mile before work and the water heater exploded and demanded our attention during that previously-allotted workout time, thereby making that morning's goal an impracticality; I’m referring to those instances where we’ve told ourselves that we’re going to run a mile before work and there is no true obstacle in front of us but ourselves, and we’ve made a conscious decision to go against what we told ourselves we were going to do, without even making a compromise to walk that mile instead of run, or even half a mile or just around the block. We've abandoned our intention in having set the goal in the first place, and in doing so, we've also abandoned ourselves. What's more, if we can't trust ourselves, we may also begin to question the extent to which others may be relied on, which can then make the world feel like a very lonely, unreliable place.
The relationship we have to ourselves is forgiving – if we at least move forward on the intention we set when we made that commitment to ourselves. Yes, we may not have eaten the whole enchilada, but did we at least take a bite? Okay, then: we’re getting somewhere. The Self knows we’re trying to work toward honoring the commitment we made to ourselves. Or did we deny the enchilada’s existence and instead, contrive some excuses as to why we didn’t even try? The Self knows the difference and keeps the score.
Where this comes in particularly handy is perhaps an unexpected place that’s very much related to one’s ability to trust oneself: decision-making and discernment.
Decision-Making
Have you built a relationship with yourself over time in which you’ve consistently honored commitments you’ve made to yourself, even if you’ve had to “compromise” and modify a goal in order to maintain some kind of forward momentum? Do You know that You mean what you say? Are you reliable to yourself in working toward achieving what you’ve set out to do?
This can take the form of anything from “I’m going to get out of bed before the sun comes up,” to “I’m going to get my degree.” The size of the commitment is irrelevant; what matters is you’ve told yourself that you’re going to do something that you regarded as being important enough to set as a goal, and that one way or another, you're working toward it. This is the basis for self-trust – you’ve got this when you've developed a pattern of being true to what you said you were going to do for you – and if you can have trust and integrity within yourself (where truly no one else is looking – it’s just You, Yourself and You in there), then you’re more likely to believe in your ability to make sound decisions in the external world, too.
Discernment
How can we tell the difference between which choice is best for us (or in a given circumstance) at a particular moment in time?
Having an established relationship with ourselves in which we have a history of doing what we say we’re going to do for ourselves, coupled with honesty with ourselves regarding the circumstances we find ourselves in, and awareness of the intricacies of the choices available to us that either support the underlying intention behind the goal and the development of self-trust or tip the scales in favor of self-betrayal leads to the ability to be able to objectively weigh options for what they are, and the ability to trust and rely on our own assessment of circumstances involved in a given situation, which are then likely to result in satisfactory life outcomes.
Example: A person is given the opportunity to promote at work. There are a number of potential benefits and drawbacks to accepting the promotion, and because they’ve practiced honestly evaluating themselves and seeing options in their daily life and weighing those options for what they are, this person may find it easier to objectively evaluate the choice in front of them regarding the promotion (or anything else, for that matter), and may be happier with the outcome of their soundly and reliably-made choices over the long-term.
When we let those Commitments-to-Self go without holding ourselves accountable in some way, we’re essentially giving up on ourselves. Each time those self-made commitments aren’t honored in some way (remember: modified and incremental steps still count!), you’re telling yourself you’re actually not worth whatever you thought was so important in the first place.
Ouch.
See how detrimental not keeping commitments to yourself can be? It can really undermine progress and growth in a number of areas in one’s life --more so than you might expect.
You are important enough to keep promises to. Especially when those promises come from You and to You.
...How to?
So how to develop intrapersonal integrity and follow-through on the things you’ve determined are important for you in your life?
1. Set achievable goals. This may mean that you take a larger goal and break it down into smaller chunks. Not achieving the goals you’ve previously set? Make them smaller. The purpose here isn’t to tackle the whole task; it’s to give yourself something you’re able to follow through on, bit by bit.
Example: A person is depressed to the extent that they’re having a really hard time getting out of bed. Instead of setting an immediate goal to walk around the block, perhaps the goal of putting one’s feet on the floor for a count of 10 might be more appropriate at that stage. Is it reasonably achievable? If not, dial it back a little bit until it is – whatever that looks like for you (this is why the “Self-Judgment” topic was covered first; if we berate ourselves for not being or doing whatever we said we’d be or do, we can get hung up here and halt any forward movement. On the contrary, if we’re accepting of where we’re at and commit to keep trying to move forward step-by-step in our own unique way and timeframe, then we’re making progress).
2. With compassionate awareness, acknowledge any excuses made and push past them, modifying goals as need be if sufficient circumstances dictate a modification (i.e., if there would be more harm to one’s physical or emotional self if the goal were pursued).
Example #1: A person aims to walk around the block. They slept a decent night’s sleep, they woke up early enough, they’ve drank their coffee…but it’s cold outside and they simply don’t want to go. Do they have a warm jacket, scarf and gloves? Yes. Do they have time carved out in their morning routine? Yes. What’s stopping them? The discomfort of being cold. Are they likely to warm up while walking? Yes. Are they likely to get frostbite or suffer another bodily harm? No.They simply don’t want to go outside of their literal comfort zone. Is that kind of discomfort (being cold) more tolerable or less tolerable than betraying themselves? The goal they decided was important for themselves in some way dictates that they do go outside of their literal and figurative comfort zone. So what’s going to be more uncomfortable in the long-term: being temporarily cold and working toward or achieving the goal, or betraying oneself and staying warm? Which has the potential for feelings of achievement and perseverance? Which has the potential for feelings of guilt and undermining of self-worth?
Example #2: This same person aims to walk around the block, but they twisted their ankle the night before. Walking around the block and keeping that committment might do more harm. Still, the person’s real aim in setting the goal of walking around the block was to get a little bit of exercise (the block itself really had nothing to do with it), so in keeping with that intention they set for themselves, they decide to spend 15 minutes doing bicep curls with gallon jugs of water instead while keeping their ankle propped up and iced. It may not have been healthy for them to keep the original goal, but they maintained fidelity to the intention behind the original goal; therefore, they’re still on good terms with themselves. Intrapersonal integrity maintained. Yes! :-)
To a certain extent, it’s all about priorities… Short-term comfort and long-term self-betrayal, or short-term discomfort and long-term self-trust? And we can’t forget that all of our decisions have consequences of which we, more so than anyone or anything else, will have to endure. This is why I refer to this phenomenon as “Intrapersonal Integrity.” When asked, ‘What does ‘integrity’ mean to you?” most people reply with some variation of, “Doing the right thing when no one is looking.” When it comes to the integrity you have within the relationship you have with yourself, You are the only one who is looking, and your opinion of you very much counts.
Which goals and choice(s) is/are in front of you that maintain the integrity you have within yourself? How can you start viewing the expectations you have of yourself realistically and non-judgmentally while still holding yourself accountable for being true to what you say needs to be done for You?
As mentioned throughout this blog, these are concerns and areas for development that I’ve seen in the majority of clients I’ve worked with (to one extent or another), over the past 12 years and counting. If this describes your experience, you're not alone.
If you’ve found that you have a hard time following through on commitments you’ve made to yourself, have a hard time trusting yourself and your decision-making ability, or consistently set unrealistic goals for yourself and then judge yourself harshly for not following through, we can work on that! Reach out using the form below, or click on the “Request Appointment” button to schedule your free 20-minute video consultation
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